sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
Oh, that was a heck of a windstorm.
You guys must have been up all night
- responding to emergency calls. - Emergency calls?
Oh, yeah. Barely slept a wink.
[snoring] [wind howling]
[noise machine playing wind sounds]
Yup. Fought the storm all night.
Whoa! These effects are great!
I felt that!
Glad we have Dog River's finest looking out for us.
Coffee's on me.
- Alriiiiiight! - Hey, that's my thing.
What, no one else can use the word "alright"?
Also, how come you have a catchphrase and I don't?
You can't chase a catchphrase. It's not a tornado.
The catchphrase comes to you.
Like a tornado. Do you two want breakfast?
Sounds grrrrrreat!
Okay, you look up trademark laws,
- and I'll get you some menus. - No rush.
The power is still out at the station,
so we'll be working from here all day, if that's cool?
So cool! I've always wanted to be part of dirty gritty police world.
So, when do we start work?
[thud] We are working.
Not the dirty I was hoping to see.
Dy-no-miiiiite!
- Nope. - Nope.
♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby you're so wrong ♪
2x04 - Hedge Your Debts
572 plus 56...
Nine down, see twenty-one across...
Hey, stop number heckling.
I don't come down to where you work, and...
- where do you work? - Look at this!
Driverless tractors? What's next?
Electric lawnmowers?
Can you clam up? You're going to make me lose my spot.
- Your what? - Gah. Lost my spot.
Oh... you put the "A.D.D." in "addition."
You need to learn how to focus on a task like I do.
I've been studying the Four-Hour Work Week.
Four hours a week? That would double your workload.
And anyway, a crossword isn't a task,
that's a thing you enjoy.
Anyone can focus on something they love.
You ever see me focus on a hot dog?
Yeah, for three seconds. Then it's a blur of ketchup and crumbs.
I, however, have trained my mind to ignore distractions
and lock onto any task with laser focus.
Great. Then you do the books.
I would have seen that coming, but I was laser-focused on my crossword.
IOU? What the hell is this about?
Well, Dad, sometimes people can't pay for things right away,
so they... being the "I"...
"O," i.e. owe... me... aka "U."
This couldn't be more clear, eh, Wanda?
Laser focus!
That wind storm really did a number on my garden.
Even Mother Nature
deserves to get her party on once in a while.
After last night, Mother Nature needs an intervention.
So, what's the cost to get that tree cleared and the shrub trimmed?
Nothing, just let me keep the firewood.
Makes sense. You can use it to burn the left-over leaves.
Oh, no, no, I need the leaves for my swamp monster costume.
I knew it wouldn't make sense for long.
All right, uh...
I'll go get my chainsaw, hedge clippers,
- and glitter glue. - Even less sense.
Won, Helen, Nate?
Is there anyone in town that doesn't owe you money?
- Wanda. - Concentrating.
I just take whatever she owes me out of her pay cheque.
- Huh? What? You do what now? - Laser...
That's a stupid way to run a business.
Wait till the government finds out.
- It's tax evasion! - No. Is it?
Don't worry. She'll make this go away.
Wanda, cook the books.
Why do you want it to go away? They owe you money.
Oh, right.
It just sounded like something a cool mobster would say.
Yeah. You're a real Al Capone.
If Al Capone was a children's clown.
What do I admire?
What is the thing which gives me joy?
- Tiny cars? - A squirting flower?
Good quality make-up wipes?
The sound of children's laughter!
[squeaking]
You guys hear squeaking? What's going on back there?
Squeak-a, squeak-a, squeak-a.
- Squeak-a, squeak-a, squeak-a. - I think we broke Wanda.
- Hey, focus queen. [snaps] - What? I was focused.
On the numbers. Eighty-five, carry the squeak-a.
Squeak-a squeak-a seven.
Hank, I brought you some...
[gasping]
Oh, my god, what have you done?
Don't get mad. I'm not done yet.
I'm not mad. I'm impressed!
Oh. Then I'm done.
It's like an elephant is emerging
- from the wilds of the jungle. - Really? Huh.
It just kinda happened.
That's how all true art occurs.
It exposes itself to us so we can expose ourselves to the art.
Of course. Of course.
I had no idea you were a topiary horticulturalist.
[chuckles] Of course. Of course.
Wait, was that a compliment or insult?
Cool elephant. You do that, Hank?
Uh, yup. And all I had to do was expose myself in the shrub.
[whistling]
Do you think Hank could turn my hedge into a cat?
I can set something up for you.
Great, thanks.
[putting down coins]
Uh. Little old for a lemonade stand, aren't you?
It's good, though.
Wow. The energy in this booth is like Dragnet,
Hill Street Blues, and Barney Miller rolled into one.
Can I be Fish?
Have either of you watched TV this decade?
Anything I can do?
I already took the liberty of making a jail.
Good work. No one'll ever escape that velvet Alcatraz.
Seriously, if you need any help, like fresh eyes on a cold case?
Cold eyes on a fresh case?
We're kinda busy right now.
Hockey equipment on Amazon?
Ooh, busting an online shopping scam?
Yeah, the crime is how prices sky-rocket in the winter.
"Six easy steps to creating the perfect catchphrase"?
You know what? Since we're stuck here in the office,
why don't you be our eyes and ears on the street?
Cool! Like a police informant?
Exactly. Eyes and ears.
But not lips. Lips closed.
Gotcha. Zip the lips.
[groaning]
"Zip the lips"! Damn.
That is a great catchphrase.
Can I borrow your Sadie Spy Kit?
I'm going undercover for the cops.
Don't tell anyone, though. It's top secret.
Undercover? What would you even...
[music]
The john is hooked. Arrest when the trick's in progress.
- Hey, Lacey. Nice coat. - Uhh! Abort! Not a trick!
This trick will never be in progress!
Wanda does not want to see this!
Ooh, mama! I do not want to see that!
Okay, weird. Then I'll just buy these sunglasses.
No, you won't.
- Are you okay? - Yeah. I'm just super focused.
What kind of jackass lets people take things from a store
and pay for them later?
You're right. I'll call Visa and tell them they're being silly.
You need to grow a spleen and collect those debts.
I don't want to force my friends to pay if they can't.
And it's not much.
Two bucks here, five bucks there, what's the big deal?
Two chili dogs here, five burgers there.
- Now what do you weigh? - Hmm.
When you put it that cruelly, maybe I will take a look.
I asked for a cat, right?
'Cause I'm not seeing the cat part of the cat.
I believe this is an abstract interpretation
of the fluidity of the feline form.
Uh. Wasn't that supposed to be an ear?
Perhaps... the cat's not listening because the artist is
- listening to the cat. - Ah. Now I see it.
What's an artist gotta do to get a glass of water around here?
So sorry, Hank! Sparkling or tap?
- Half and half. - You want watered-down water?
Emma, could you please not have people speak directly to me?
Nice.
Okay, let's see what secrets this town holds.
Last night, I caught Rheena cheating at bridge.
[Lacey] Hmm...
I scammed Davis out of giving me a ticket using the "C'mon" argument.
[gasping]
♪ Camptown racist Five times wrong ♪
- ♪ All the live-long day! ♪ - [Lacey] Oh!
None of these things are crimes.
This last one is just a mixed-up song.
But we do need to discuss your susceptibility
- to the "C'mon" argument. - Not now.
Lacey, you're a loose cannon. You're off the beat.
- C'mon! - Okay, you're in.
- C'mon! - Right. Sorry, Lacey, you're done.
- C'mon! - She makes a good point.
- Ugh! - Yes! I'll find a crime if it kills me.
Which would be a crime.
But I'd be dead and couldn't investigate it.
Wow, your jobs are hard.
And that's why my catchphrase is... job hard!
Yecch, that's the worst one yet.
Jeez, that is a whack of cabbage.
That's enough cabbage to hire someone
to whack your cabbage for you!
I hope I don't know what that means.
But this isn't personal money, it belongs to Corner Gas.
And don't forget who sold you this cash camel in the first place!
Yeah, well, anyway, I should get moving.
These debts won't collect themselves, will they?
Will they? 'Cause I usually nap around...
You're too soft.
What you need is some muscle for backup.
You're right. I should call Mom.
Aw, hmph!
[music]
Okay, get in and out nice and quick.
Eye contact, jab him with the bill, don't let him fight back.
Relax. It's Phil. It's not Mike Tyson.
Now, stay here. I don't want you making it weird.
Well, that got weird.
You can't even get what's owed to you
- without screwing it up. - Phil had a good point.
He owes me 20, but he's also given me a lot of free perks.
Chairs. Coasters.
Geo-political tête-à-têtes.
All things you're supposed to get when you drink at a bar!
- Damn, he's good. - Yeah. He's like Mike Tyson,
except he talked your ear off.
Wanda, do you have any gardening gloves?
I'm focusing here! Stay outta my head!
These'll do. We have to protect those talented hands of yours.
[Hank] I had no idea being an artist was so much work.
I thought it was just fancy cigarettes and berets.
Paint me like one of your exotic foreign fillies.
- Wanda, how much are these gloves? - [slap] Sicko!
- What'd I do? - There you are, Hank.
When do you think you can get at my boxwood?
- [slap] Pervert! - Pervert? Who's a pervert?
You're the one walking the streets.
- What? - How come she doesn't get slapped?
- We're taking these gloves. - Fine! Everyone, go!
Leave me alone! You're all fogging my brain laser.
Now that they're gone, about this pervert...
Lasering!
Hey, Won. I need to collect that 50 bucks you owe me.
Ohh, jeez, that's bad timing.
We're a little strapped for cash right now.
- Hey, Dad, our new iPads arrived. - Finally!
Those ones were covered in fingerprints.
Anyway, as I was saying, cash flow, you know?
Oh, I hear ya. Catch you next time.
What kind of hinky nickel switcheroo are you trying to...
Oh, so that's how it's gonna be.
Close enough. [chuckling]
Ooh!
Is it going to be a duck? I really want it to be a duck.
Whereas some artists choose a subject,
Hank removes pieces until the essence of the subject appears.
Ahhhh!
Emma, tell Hank he's been commissioned to do a topiary
representing the town of Dog River.
- Deal! - Oh. Great.
Uh, I believe there's a bead of sweat on my brow?
Not that I'm ever unhappy to see a wheel of cheese,
but why do you have a wheel of cheese?
Won owed you 50 bucks. This is worth 45.
- Consider that debt paid. - Oh, good idea.
I could barter for goods instead of asking for the cash.
Far less awkward. Smart thinking, Dad.
Damn straight.
I've been doing business since you were still...
We gonna crack that thing or what?
I can't believe my parents think I stole a wheel of cheese.
Like one person could eat an entire wheel of cheese.
Must be a shoplifting syndicate or something.
Shoot! Lost my eBay bid on those hockey gloves.
You think that's bad?
This online catchphrase creator is the worst.
[computer] Well, that's a kick in the kitten!
[click] Tell that to my 'stache!
[click] Kiss my dusty backdraft!
Don't hate that last one.
Word on the street is there's a cheese thief targeting Foo Mart.
Cheese thief. Pfft.
Are they in cahoots with the cracker cartel?
Actually, that sounds serious.
We'll stay here, and you go check it out.
Oh, yeah... Go. Take your time.
Get all the information you can.
Copy that loud and clear, m'dear.
"Loud and clear, m'dear." She's a catchphrase machine.
Wow, Hank's finished already?
Your best work yet! The dog is literally in the river,
drowning in the expanse of his own existence.
- I haven't started yet. - Why was it covered with the tarp?
So I could remember which shrubbery was supposed to work on?
- I don't know what I'm doing. - No, you don't.
And I've been fooling myself into thinking you did.
The elephant was an accident, but you saw the beauty in it.
You're the real artist, Emma.
- I don't know if I'm ready for this. - Don't worry, it's great.
I mean, you get slapped a lot... but hey, free water!
[knocking]
Hey, Mavis, I'm here to collect the $20 you owe me for gas.
You can pay cash, or...
What the hell are you going to do with a fondue pot?
Fondue something? Till then, cheese me, Daddy.
[music]
My IOU list is now IOU-seless.
You're not out of the woods yet, buddy boy.
I know, I still have to pick a toenail polish.
No, I mean what are you going to do with all that junk you have now?
I'll think of something.
You're just out of sorts because we ate
- a whole wheel of cheese. - I had one slice!
You're right, we should be ashamed of ourselves.
So the cheese was just payment for Brent's IOU?
- That's disappointing. - Says you.
We owed him 50, and the cheese was 45.
Five bucks is a lot when you're a small business
- trying to eke out a living. - [beeping] Oop.
My smart watch says my Fitbit is done charging.
Time to hit the treadmill. [whirring]
Is that a hover board?
Oh. It's so much more peaceful in here without Lacey bugging us.
[Karen] Yeah, we'll have to find another goose for her to chase.
[both laughing]
So not only was the cheese stolen,
but Won said there's a massive theft ring in town,
and everyone's being extorted for protection money!
Sounds like the mafia to me.
[chuckling]
I think we'd know if there was mafia in Dog River.
Yeah? Why is the police station
the only building still without power?
...Mafia.
Hey, what the hell? I'm crunching numbers here,
and you're playing "Baby's First Flea Market"?
Flea Market? That's not a bad idea.
If I sell all the stuff I bartered for,
- I'll be rolling in dough. - Uh-oh.
[music]
Would you stop eating the boat?
Wait. Did you say "rowing in dough" or "rolling in dough"?
- That's the last box from the car. - Thanks.
Now, help me take it back outside.
I'm having a yard sale.
No way! I've been helping you all day.
I deserve compensation.
You already got a pedicure and a slice of cheese.
Grab a box, and don't scuff your nail polish.
Fine. I'll take my own payment. [chuckles]
I'm telling you, this crime ring is bigger than you can imagine.
If the mafia was in Dog River,
we'd see more crime than a missing cheese wheel.
Yeah. Like extortion or fencing of stolen items.
[Oscar] Hey, Josh, wanna buy a blender?
- Hundred bucks! - A hundred? That's extortion.
- Why are you selling a blender? - It's my cut of the take.
Brent thinks he can screw me out of the loot?
He may be the big boss, but he's not the boss of me!
- That looks a lot like loot! - Lacey was right.
Brent's heading up a stolen merch fencing operation.
You mean Brent's clean-cut, baby-face thing
has been a facade all along? My stars.
Time to formulate a cop plan.
And then we... Book 'em, Davis!
Nope, hate that one already.
Ladies and gentlemen, Hank has created
his most ambitious piece of living art to date.
Behold the Dog River Dog in River!
As you can see, the artist has clearly entered his literal phase.
I think I can speak for myself.
You see, uh, it's a dog. In a river.
'Cause... Dog River.
Such a pedestrian interpretation.
Where's the subtlety? The subtext?
If I can see the art, where's the art, right, Emma?
Uh... I have something to say.
Oh, thank God. Tell 'em, Emma.
They're right. This is terrible.
You really crapped the bed, Hank.
[grumbling]
Crapped the bed? This wasn't even me!
- Now he's in his self-doubt phase. - So sad.
Hey, Brent, get this! It's so funny.
I told Karen and Davis that there is a mafia in town,
and they think that...
Hey. What's all that stuff?
- Freeze! - [Lacey] Uh-oh.
What's going on, friends I've known for years
who are now pointing guns at me?
We know about your underground theft ring.
We got a tip from a secret informant. Thanks, Lacey.
I was just messing with you guys
because you sent me on a wild goose chase.
- So Brent's not a mafia kingpin? - Kingpin?
I'm a simple flea market manager, right, Wanda?
Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
[laughing]
Okay, that's the kingpin and the goose chase,
where's the flea part?
Damn, she's locked in. Look, I didn't steal anything.
I got the idea to barter for this stuff
when Won gave my dad a cheese wheel.
Please don't ask for the evidence.
- Everything my son says is true. - My bad.
Except that I didn't barter for the cheese.
- I took it. - So you stole the cheese?
Your bad. Let's talk about this downtown.
And by "downtown," I mean The Ruby.
Ooh! How much for the hockey gloves?
Twenty bucks?
- Can I owe you? - Sure, just write me an IOU.
- Alriiight! - Look out, king headpin!
Your goose is being stolen by a giant talking flea!
What the hell kind of jail is this?
I demand to talk to my lawyer!
- Clap your trap, convict. - Is that your new catchphrase?
Nah, I'm done with that. When in doubt, over and out.
Ooh, can I have that one?
Aah!
[Hank] Pretty awesome swamp monster, huh? [chuckling]
None of you people understand art!
You're still working on those books?
So much for laser focus.
Neeeeyoooow... neeyooow...
Are you slicing me in half with laser eyes?
Yup. And here comes the steamroller.
Rum-rum-rum-rum-rum. Pfft.
- Ew. - Just finish up the books.
- I need to know where I stand. - Fine.
Why is the first entry in accounts payable
an IOU to Oscar for the sale of Corner Gas?
When you bought this place,
- did you forget to pay him? - No.
He forgot to collect.
[music]
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ The same things you don't know ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I just... don't know ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ It's a great big place ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
- ♪ Ooh ♪ - ♪ And it's my happy place ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~